My whole life I have been raised with the adage of "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." I know this is not from the bible. It is not something that was memorized or posted on our wall. It is just what I have embraced to help me handle difficult situations. Wow! I must be really strong, or loved or great raw material with good potential if God wants to keep using me. Keep making me stronger. It was some sort of battered badge of honor. God trusts me with so much!
I went through a long period of waiting for the next hardship. Living in fear of what was coming next, because I lost so many things close to me I expected the worst was going to happen. What would it be? Surely my husband will get killed on one of those crazy bike rides. I love him too much, so surely it wont last. My kids are so precious, what if they get sick? What if they get hurt?
God has done a great work in me and I have realized, that I have to surrender my husband and my children to him. I can trust that God can do a far better job that I ever can by worrying about the unknown. I have learned that God is a loving heavenly father, who holds us, loves us and wants what is best for us.
But you hear people say, God's got a 2 x 4, and he is beating it (whatever it is...?) into me. If I can just learn what he wants to teach me, I can move forward and be done with this trial.
I think of the refiners fire, and how God does do wonderful things out of great tragedy. Then I get a distorted view of God and somehow subconsciously think he orchestrates difficulties in our lives. Satan uses that to attack in a couple of ways. I know for me the biggie has been, it's you. You are not good enough, if only your faith was stronger. If only you did not doubt. Even that question in the back of your mind was enough for God to withdraw His promise of healing. If only, if only......
The second way Satan uses this against us, me... is by distorting our view of God. God is not waiting to crush us like little bugs when we don't live up to some warped view of how perfect we should be. God did not start this sin and suffering in motion, man did. There is horrible suffering in the world. You can talk to 10 people and 9 will tell you of struggles that directly affect their lives that they don't understand. That they can't fix. Cancer, death of a loved one, children hurt by a marriage dissolving, loss of job, wayward sons and daughters. The list goes on and on. We live in a hurt and broken world. God is not the author of pain and suffering. He is not on a mission to hurt us to make us stronger.
Yes, God does gently shape us. I think of the potters wheel in Jeremiah 18:3-4 "So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him." You see we get marred. We get bent out of shape and God gently heals, shapes and makes us useful again. He doesn't do the beating. This sinful world does plenty of that.
In reading "The Shack" one of the questions presented to God was on pg 129 "I just can't imagine any final outcome that would justify all this." The response was "We are not justifying it. We are redeeming it."
I spend too much time thinking. Looking for answers. Trying to be good enough. The fact is, there may not be any answers. I certainly can never be good enough. And too much trying to figure things out only leaves holes in my relationship with my Lord and savior who died in my place so that I do not have to be good enough!
It is ok to be sad, confused and even angry. I think I needed permission to be all of those things. Thank you, my dear Chaplain friend! I spent way too much time trying to not be any of those things. This is hard, and I hate it, and I cannot understand it.
I've learned the greatest blessing is not in having the answers, not even in being miraculously healed. The greatest blessing is that I am never alone. Hebrews 13:15 "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you."
Psalm 23 - I love the NLT translation!
"The LORD is my shepherd; I have everything I need.
2 He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams.
3 He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.
4 Even when I walk through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.
5 You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You welcome me as a guest, anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings.
6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the LORD forever."
What speaks loudest to me is "I have everything I need." And "You are close beside me."
That is really the secret. Quit trying to figure it out. Don't allow difficulties to distort your view of our amazing heavenly father. He loves us, He desires what is best for us, and when life is more than we can bear, He holds us!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Celebrate each day...
Praising God for another beautiful day. It feels so awesome to feel the sun shining, even through the windows. I have been spending the last couple of weeks with sick kiddos. It is that time of year. We have been fortunate that they have stayed really pretty healthy all winter. Hope started with bronchitis and then Corban got it last week. His got worse though and now is on his second round of antibiotics and gained a double ear infection to boot. Poor little guy.
He was up crying Sunday night and couldn't tell us what the problem was, only that he needed Mommy. Finally Monday morning he said, "my ear's stuffed." Back to the doctor. It is amazing he can have such bad infections and yet no fever. I am enjoying the extra cuddle time and recouping myself as of course Tim and I got bronchitis too!
The rest has been good. God has a plan for everything. The praise is, since I have been home and resting what little walking I have done has been great. I have braved Wal-mart twice this week with no complications. I am enjoying freedom of movement and all the blessings God has given to us!
A dear friend and prayer warrior shared a scripture with me this week. It is found in Mark 8:22-25
"When they arrived at Bethsaida, some people brought a blind man to Jesus, and they begged him to touch and heal the man.
Jesus took the blind man by the hand and led him out of the village. Then, spitting on the man's eyes, he laid his hands on him and asked, "Can you see anything now?"
The man looked around. "Yes," he said, "I see people, but I can't see them very clearly. They look like trees walking around."
Then Jesus placed his hands over the man's eyes again. As the man stared intently, his sight was completely restored, and he could see everything clearly."
What an encouragement! She reminded me the first time Jesus touched his eyes and this blind man could see trees was no less of a miracle than the second time when he was completely restored.
He causes the lame to walk and the blind to see. I am walking! Yes, sometimes when I am really tired, my legs forget they are healed and I stumble. But I am light years better than where I was before January 31st!
God is healing me. I know it. He just may have to demonstrate his power and glory with my new doctors at Loyola.
I am also learning to live day by day. Another dear friend of mine is struggling with cancer. She has such an eternal perspective that is catchy! She praises God for each day she has. She reminds me to trust, even when I cannot see, even when things do not make sense. God has a perfect plan for each of us. Each day is a gift to be celebrated.
He was up crying Sunday night and couldn't tell us what the problem was, only that he needed Mommy. Finally Monday morning he said, "my ear's stuffed." Back to the doctor. It is amazing he can have such bad infections and yet no fever. I am enjoying the extra cuddle time and recouping myself as of course Tim and I got bronchitis too!
The rest has been good. God has a plan for everything. The praise is, since I have been home and resting what little walking I have done has been great. I have braved Wal-mart twice this week with no complications. I am enjoying freedom of movement and all the blessings God has given to us!
A dear friend and prayer warrior shared a scripture with me this week. It is found in Mark 8:22-25
"When they arrived at Bethsaida, some people brought a blind man to Jesus, and they begged him to touch and heal the man.
Jesus took the blind man by the hand and led him out of the village. Then, spitting on the man's eyes, he laid his hands on him and asked, "Can you see anything now?"
The man looked around. "Yes," he said, "I see people, but I can't see them very clearly. They look like trees walking around."
Then Jesus placed his hands over the man's eyes again. As the man stared intently, his sight was completely restored, and he could see everything clearly."
What an encouragement! She reminded me the first time Jesus touched his eyes and this blind man could see trees was no less of a miracle than the second time when he was completely restored.
He causes the lame to walk and the blind to see. I am walking! Yes, sometimes when I am really tired, my legs forget they are healed and I stumble. But I am light years better than where I was before January 31st!
God is healing me. I know it. He just may have to demonstrate his power and glory with my new doctors at Loyola.
I am also learning to live day by day. Another dear friend of mine is struggling with cancer. She has such an eternal perspective that is catchy! She praises God for each day she has. She reminds me to trust, even when I cannot see, even when things do not make sense. God has a perfect plan for each of us. Each day is a gift to be celebrated.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Life Abundantly - One step at a time
I feel like the fog is lifting. I have had a tough time facing the world beyond my covers. Don't get me wrong, nap time is a beautiful thing, but it cannot be a consuming thing.
I have kind of hid out this last week. Granted Tim was on a mission trip and Hope has had bronchitis (now Corban does too). But it allowed me time to hide out and to process. The time has come to choose to re-engage and get back to life.
I have withdrawn for practical reasons, and also out of fear of disappointing all who have witnessed this miracle. I know I do not have any control over this I realize, but somehow felt a responsibility to hold onto it. I want a rock solid faith. I want God to be glorified through this all. I know my message was from God. Am I in some way not holding up my end of the bargain?
I heard an awesome message this week on Psalm 40. You have to read it to get the extent of the impact.
Psalm 40
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm. I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.
4 Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.
5 Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.
6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but my ears you have pierced; burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.
7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come-- it is written about me in the scroll.
8 I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart."
9 I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, as you know, O LORD.
10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and salvation. I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly.
11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD; may your love and your truth always protect me.
12 For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me.
13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me; O LORD, come quickly to help me.
14 May all who seek to take my life be put to shame and confusion; may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace.
15 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!" be appalled at their own shame.
16 But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always say, "The LORD be exalted!"
17 Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay.
There are many things that speak to my heart in this passage. The message primarily was on how even when we keep our eyes focused on God our heart can still fail us in times of great difficulty. I am not sure who the speaker was, it was on Moody radio, but he talked about how we often put to high of expectations on ourselves and we are shocked when our faith is rocked. He didn't say that exactly, but it is pretty catchy huh?
Here was David whom God just rescued from the pit, who has a new song in his mouth, who is faithfully proclaiming what God has done and wham! Troubles outnumber and overwhelm him and his heart fails. Sound familiar...?
The message is to not stop there! I cannot stay beneath my covers and be overwhelmed. God has rescued me, he has been faithful before, he will be faithful again. The point is to keep crying out. " O Lord save me! Come quickly to my help.../yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; o my God. Do not delay."
I,like all of us, am a work in progress. I know God will use this and I know he is healing me day by day.
I choose to live life abundantly, one step at a time.
I have kind of hid out this last week. Granted Tim was on a mission trip and Hope has had bronchitis (now Corban does too). But it allowed me time to hide out and to process. The time has come to choose to re-engage and get back to life.
I have withdrawn for practical reasons, and also out of fear of disappointing all who have witnessed this miracle. I know I do not have any control over this I realize, but somehow felt a responsibility to hold onto it. I want a rock solid faith. I want God to be glorified through this all. I know my message was from God. Am I in some way not holding up my end of the bargain?
I heard an awesome message this week on Psalm 40. You have to read it to get the extent of the impact.
Psalm 40
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm. I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.
4 Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.
5 Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.
6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but my ears you have pierced; burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.
7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come-- it is written about me in the scroll.
8 I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart."
9 I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, as you know, O LORD.
10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and salvation. I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly.
11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD; may your love and your truth always protect me.
12 For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me.
13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me; O LORD, come quickly to help me.
14 May all who seek to take my life be put to shame and confusion; may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace.
15 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!" be appalled at their own shame.
16 But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always say, "The LORD be exalted!"
17 Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay.
There are many things that speak to my heart in this passage. The message primarily was on how even when we keep our eyes focused on God our heart can still fail us in times of great difficulty. I am not sure who the speaker was, it was on Moody radio, but he talked about how we often put to high of expectations on ourselves and we are shocked when our faith is rocked. He didn't say that exactly, but it is pretty catchy huh?
Here was David whom God just rescued from the pit, who has a new song in his mouth, who is faithfully proclaiming what God has done and wham! Troubles outnumber and overwhelm him and his heart fails. Sound familiar...?
The message is to not stop there! I cannot stay beneath my covers and be overwhelmed. God has rescued me, he has been faithful before, he will be faithful again. The point is to keep crying out. " O Lord save me! Come quickly to my help.../yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; o my God. Do not delay."
I,like all of us, am a work in progress. I know God will use this and I know he is healing me day by day.
I choose to live life abundantly, one step at a time.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Trust
Well...I choose to trust. I know God has promised me healing. He spoke so clear and so loud into my life. My legs have been less than cooperative. Starting last Wednesday when I was really tired my legs started being goofy again. Once I rested they were fine and continued to be great throughout the day. Of course fear sets in. With fear, doubt. My husband in his infinite wisdom reminded me it isn't faith without some doubt. Otherwise why would you have to trust?
FAITH = Fantastic Adventure In Trusting Him!
God told me not to fear. I confessed my fears and sought solace with God. I thought if I don't have enough faith, would lose my healing? Is my faith strong enough to hold onto my healing? This is why I see a Godly counselor! She assured me God is not vengeful and He always desires what is best for me. She reminded me that it really has nothing to do with me. God chooses what He does for His purposes and for His glory.
I enjoyed walking so freely for almost 2 full weeks. I have not enjoyed such a luxury in over six months! Freedom in movement, a taste of heaven! They say God never gives you more than you can handle and I was at a breaking point. I needed that gift so desperately, and God gave it to me. He stopped the progression of the disease until I was able to get in and see a neurologist who really cares.
Sunday February 14th, all my symptoms came back full force and have not let up. By the grace of God I was out with my sisters at the time. They kept me laughing and encouraged me to press on. They both went with me to my doctors appointment on Monday providing the emotional support I needed. The doctor asked a lot of questions, and is curious about a genetic link. They were there to help fill in the blanks.
Tim is gone on a missions trip this week. How come he is always away when this crazy stuff happens? I guess God knows we need to process this all apart from each other before we can come back and process together.
One of my favorite worship songs is Blessed be the Name of the Lord. Just like Job, the song says He gives and takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.
I choose to worship. I choose to trust. The scripture God gave me the night before last was Psalm 31:15 " My future is in Your hands"
FAITH = Fantastic Adventure In Trusting Him!
God told me not to fear. I confessed my fears and sought solace with God. I thought if I don't have enough faith, would lose my healing? Is my faith strong enough to hold onto my healing? This is why I see a Godly counselor! She assured me God is not vengeful and He always desires what is best for me. She reminded me that it really has nothing to do with me. God chooses what He does for His purposes and for His glory.
I enjoyed walking so freely for almost 2 full weeks. I have not enjoyed such a luxury in over six months! Freedom in movement, a taste of heaven! They say God never gives you more than you can handle and I was at a breaking point. I needed that gift so desperately, and God gave it to me. He stopped the progression of the disease until I was able to get in and see a neurologist who really cares.
Sunday February 14th, all my symptoms came back full force and have not let up. By the grace of God I was out with my sisters at the time. They kept me laughing and encouraged me to press on. They both went with me to my doctors appointment on Monday providing the emotional support I needed. The doctor asked a lot of questions, and is curious about a genetic link. They were there to help fill in the blanks.
Tim is gone on a missions trip this week. How come he is always away when this crazy stuff happens? I guess God knows we need to process this all apart from each other before we can come back and process together.
One of my favorite worship songs is Blessed be the Name of the Lord. Just like Job, the song says He gives and takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.
I choose to worship. I choose to trust. The scripture God gave me the night before last was Psalm 31:15 " My future is in Your hands"
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
The story continues...
So I was able to share with my church family yesterday. It was really great to share with so many faithful prayer warriors who have been lifting my family and I up over the last 6 months. God provided the grace I needed to not bawl through it. I crammed my heels into the podium and after I shared how God has healed me, I put on my heels and walked down the center aile. I honestly thought I would never again be able to wear heels! God is amazing!
The really amazing thing was as I prepared for sunday I discovered another layer to the story. I was searching for a way to close my message and I was looking for a scripture on tears. My Granny had talked of a passage that says how all of our tears are being saved up and will be poured out for God's glory when we get to heaven. If you know where that is, let me know. Or I'll just have to remember to as Gran. Anyhow, the passage the Lord lead me to was 2nd Kings 20 on Hezekiah.
Well ever since the 1st time I read though Kings, i was struck by Hezekiah. This is my all-time favorite passage on prayer. We are told may times throughout scripture to be bold in our prayers, but I think most of us ask halfheartedly. We know God knows best and we give in rather then pressing on, on our knees. Well Hezekiah did not give in to the message from God delivered by Isaiah the prophet. It tells us in Chapter 20:1-5 Hezekiah was told he was sick and would not recover. Hezekiah wept bitterly and pleaded with the Lord and by verse 5 God sent Isaiah back with a new message. "I have heard your prayers, I have seen your tears, I will heal you." I was blown away. This passage that spoke to me, so vividly (almost 10 years ago) the first time I read it, was exactly the words that God sent to me through Charles.
I think often times God is waiting on us. To be bold in our prayers, to persist, to continue to lift one another up. He is faithful to us as we are faithful to him. Be bold in your prayers! God wants to hear from you. Things do not always get answered in the way we think they should. Of course, God's Will, will be done. And His way is always the best way! But it could it be that he is just waiting on us to intercede...?
The really amazing thing was as I prepared for sunday I discovered another layer to the story. I was searching for a way to close my message and I was looking for a scripture on tears. My Granny had talked of a passage that says how all of our tears are being saved up and will be poured out for God's glory when we get to heaven. If you know where that is, let me know. Or I'll just have to remember to as Gran. Anyhow, the passage the Lord lead me to was 2nd Kings 20 on Hezekiah.
Well ever since the 1st time I read though Kings, i was struck by Hezekiah. This is my all-time favorite passage on prayer. We are told may times throughout scripture to be bold in our prayers, but I think most of us ask halfheartedly. We know God knows best and we give in rather then pressing on, on our knees. Well Hezekiah did not give in to the message from God delivered by Isaiah the prophet. It tells us in Chapter 20:1-5 Hezekiah was told he was sick and would not recover. Hezekiah wept bitterly and pleaded with the Lord and by verse 5 God sent Isaiah back with a new message. "I have heard your prayers, I have seen your tears, I will heal you." I was blown away. This passage that spoke to me, so vividly (almost 10 years ago) the first time I read it, was exactly the words that God sent to me through Charles.
I think often times God is waiting on us. To be bold in our prayers, to persist, to continue to lift one another up. He is faithful to us as we are faithful to him. Be bold in your prayers! God wants to hear from you. Things do not always get answered in the way we think they should. Of course, God's Will, will be done. And His way is always the best way! But it could it be that he is just waiting on us to intercede...?
Friday, February 5, 2010
Psalm 28 6-7
"Praise be to the Lord for he has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song!"
God is so good. I am still walking well. I still have been pretty tired, but I think that is just the overwhelming nature of it all. I get to share my testimony with my church family, North Grove Church on sunday. If anyone would like to come, our service starts at 10:05 and we are located at 10384 W Coffman Rd, Forreston, IL.
Please pray for me to be able to share what God has done so He truly gets ALL of the GLORY! Of course I will be giving thanks to Him in song as well. Since that truly is my primary love language!
Thank you for all your prayers and encouragement!
"Praise be to the Lord for he has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song!"
God is so good. I am still walking well. I still have been pretty tired, but I think that is just the overwhelming nature of it all. I get to share my testimony with my church family, North Grove Church on sunday. If anyone would like to come, our service starts at 10:05 and we are located at 10384 W Coffman Rd, Forreston, IL.
Please pray for me to be able to share what God has done so He truly gets ALL of the GLORY! Of course I will be giving thanks to Him in song as well. Since that truly is my primary love language!
Thank you for all your prayers and encouragement!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Part 2
January 31st, 2010
Here is where once again, my life changed in just one day!
We went to the Rockford Rescue Mission. One of the small groups from our church organized an evening where our church provided sack lunches and a short service for the homeless or for those who just needed a meal. I was so tired. I was hesitant to go, but I knew I needed to. Tim (my husband) and I had agreed to do the praise and worship.
I took a nap that afternoon, hoping my legs would revive. I woke up moving slower than before and needed my cane to head over to the church. I was moving so poorly my father in law, who was babysitting, would not let me walk to the church alone, even with my cane. I was a struggle to make it there but as soon as I walked in the door, cane and all, I was glad to be there.
The kitchen was busy with ladies getting the sack lunches in order. We set up for praise and worship and were going to warm up, but the guys (along with a couple women and children) just started filing in. Tim, Joanie, Tammy and I just started singing through the praise book we had brought. We had an amazing time. We had many of the guys singing along, some even doing hand motions with us.
After praise and worship, Tim shared his testimony. It is so powerful, it always makes me cry. Then Ralph shared the gospel message loud and clear from the scripture. " Jesus answered: I am the way, the truth and the life. No man comes to the father accept through me." John 14:6
After service Joanie and I had the opportunity to talk with a man named Mike who was in the life recovery program. He was 2 weeks into a 9 month program designed to help overcome addiction. The best i can explain it was that Mike was now off the drugs and had become addicted to Jesus. He was so eager to learn all that he could, he told us he goes to 5 bible studies a week and 2 worship services. It did my heart so much good to see his enthusiasm. We were able to pray for him, and encourage him, although he encouraged us too!
When I got my sack lunch, I wasn't sure where to sit. I kinda wanted to head over to the woman I saw with children, but i saw there was already someone from my church there. And that was way on the other side of the auditorium. I had put my cane down and really wasn't up for going far. There at the 1st table, a cute Hispanic young man waving at me. He may have been 20, he seemed very young. I sat down and found out his name was Pedro. He had travelled all the way from NYC following a girl. He had no job, no money. He had been at the shelter since November, I believe. He stayed close by the table after he ate and I got up to talk with him. Pedro shared of deep hurts from his past. I asked him what he struggled with. He pulled up his sleeve to reveal layers upon layers of scar tissue. Pedro was a cutter. He did not know how to handle the pain, so he tried to manage it on his own. I shared with him about Jesus and his great love. I shared hat he did not need to try handle it on his own. He decided he wanted to pray right then and there to ask Jesus into his heart! God is so good! I was so blessed to able to be there. I thought, wow! Thank you Lord! This is why I was here.
l I was able to talk with another gentleman in the life recovery program. He thanked us for coming and said the presence of the Holy Spirit was overwhelming in this place. He said you know Satan tries to stop it, but when you have a group so filled with the Spirit, Satan doesn't stand a chance.
As everyone was getting ready to leave, I was standing talking with Melissa when I was approached by a very tall man. He stood at least a head over me, with a thick black jacket on and a black stocking cap. He smiled at me and he had no front teeth. I was thinking if I was out on the street i would be intimidated by his overwhelming stature.
He said to me "I have a message from the Lord for you." I was taken a back... "OK." I said. He said "The Holy Spirit has laid this heavy on my heart, and I did not know who it was for...but the Lord lead me to you." He continued "You do not have to be afraid anymore." I started to cry.. "The Lord has laid all of these great things on your heart, and you have all these ideas bouncing around in your head, but you are afraid to step out. You are called to much bigger venues, but you are afraid." I could only get out "But my health.." through my tears.
He asked if he could pray for me. I said "yes" and he took my hands. My husband had walked up about half way through his message and Tim laid his hand on my shoulder. This man began to pray over me. He prayed for release of my fears, he prayed for healing throughout my body. I do not remember all he prayed about, but I felt it washing over me. He prayed in tongues, which normally would have freaked me out, but it was the most peaceful experience I could have imagined.
Then he asked me my name, and i told him through my tears. He said "Joy you do not have to cry anymore. Although there will be many more tears the time now is to smile. To live up to your name and spread the joy the the Lord has given to you." He continued "Joy the Lord has seen your tears and heard your prayers, and you are healed." I asked him his name and he said Charles. I thanked him for being so faithful to the Spirit's prompting and for coming to speak to me. He said to Tim "Now your job is to be an encouragement to her. There will be times she gets discouraged and you need to encourage her to press on. Tickle her if you need to, but you two need to keep laughing together." I hugged that great big man and thanked him again. I stood and watched him walk out of the room in awe. I turned towards the only two people besides Tim and I who were left, Joanie and Tim C. and began to walk towards them. I wasn't even aware of it, and Joanie said "Well that's a change!" I WAS WALKING NORMAL! I ran towards the door to tell Charles, but he was already gone.
I walked out of there with Tim carrying my cane. The stars never looked clearer, the moon never shone brighter. I was walking! There is so much freedom in just taking a step! That was 3 days ago and I am still walking!
I went to physical therapy on Monday and my team of therapist was in awe! One of them had never seen me even take on single normal step and she was in tears. One asked "What should we write in her chart? " The other answered "Exactly what happened, God healed her. We cannot take any credit for this!"
I was able to go to my family Dr. yesterday. He said " I believe in God, and I go to church, but I get paid to be the scientist here. I have to be a bit of a pessimist. He watched me walked and was impressed. He checked my reflexes to find my right side is back to 100%. He of course wants me to keep my appointments with the specialist and let him know of any changes. But he said he is happy if I walk this good the rest of my life. I said "Me too!"
My mom says Charles just may have been my angel. I do not know for sure. But I do know I was changed in an instant. No matter what your circumstance, remember God sees your tears, and He hears your prayers. Keep praying! It all can change in a day.
Here is where once again, my life changed in just one day!
We went to the Rockford Rescue Mission. One of the small groups from our church organized an evening where our church provided sack lunches and a short service for the homeless or for those who just needed a meal. I was so tired. I was hesitant to go, but I knew I needed to. Tim (my husband) and I had agreed to do the praise and worship.
I took a nap that afternoon, hoping my legs would revive. I woke up moving slower than before and needed my cane to head over to the church. I was moving so poorly my father in law, who was babysitting, would not let me walk to the church alone, even with my cane. I was a struggle to make it there but as soon as I walked in the door, cane and all, I was glad to be there.
The kitchen was busy with ladies getting the sack lunches in order. We set up for praise and worship and were going to warm up, but the guys (along with a couple women and children) just started filing in. Tim, Joanie, Tammy and I just started singing through the praise book we had brought. We had an amazing time. We had many of the guys singing along, some even doing hand motions with us.
After praise and worship, Tim shared his testimony. It is so powerful, it always makes me cry. Then Ralph shared the gospel message loud and clear from the scripture. " Jesus answered: I am the way, the truth and the life. No man comes to the father accept through me." John 14:6
After service Joanie and I had the opportunity to talk with a man named Mike who was in the life recovery program. He was 2 weeks into a 9 month program designed to help overcome addiction. The best i can explain it was that Mike was now off the drugs and had become addicted to Jesus. He was so eager to learn all that he could, he told us he goes to 5 bible studies a week and 2 worship services. It did my heart so much good to see his enthusiasm. We were able to pray for him, and encourage him, although he encouraged us too!
When I got my sack lunch, I wasn't sure where to sit. I kinda wanted to head over to the woman I saw with children, but i saw there was already someone from my church there. And that was way on the other side of the auditorium. I had put my cane down and really wasn't up for going far. There at the 1st table, a cute Hispanic young man waving at me. He may have been 20, he seemed very young. I sat down and found out his name was Pedro. He had travelled all the way from NYC following a girl. He had no job, no money. He had been at the shelter since November, I believe. He stayed close by the table after he ate and I got up to talk with him. Pedro shared of deep hurts from his past. I asked him what he struggled with. He pulled up his sleeve to reveal layers upon layers of scar tissue. Pedro was a cutter. He did not know how to handle the pain, so he tried to manage it on his own. I shared with him about Jesus and his great love. I shared hat he did not need to try handle it on his own. He decided he wanted to pray right then and there to ask Jesus into his heart! God is so good! I was so blessed to able to be there. I thought, wow! Thank you Lord! This is why I was here.
l I was able to talk with another gentleman in the life recovery program. He thanked us for coming and said the presence of the Holy Spirit was overwhelming in this place. He said you know Satan tries to stop it, but when you have a group so filled with the Spirit, Satan doesn't stand a chance.
As everyone was getting ready to leave, I was standing talking with Melissa when I was approached by a very tall man. He stood at least a head over me, with a thick black jacket on and a black stocking cap. He smiled at me and he had no front teeth. I was thinking if I was out on the street i would be intimidated by his overwhelming stature.
He said to me "I have a message from the Lord for you." I was taken a back... "OK." I said. He said "The Holy Spirit has laid this heavy on my heart, and I did not know who it was for...but the Lord lead me to you." He continued "You do not have to be afraid anymore." I started to cry.. "The Lord has laid all of these great things on your heart, and you have all these ideas bouncing around in your head, but you are afraid to step out. You are called to much bigger venues, but you are afraid." I could only get out "But my health.." through my tears.
He asked if he could pray for me. I said "yes" and he took my hands. My husband had walked up about half way through his message and Tim laid his hand on my shoulder. This man began to pray over me. He prayed for release of my fears, he prayed for healing throughout my body. I do not remember all he prayed about, but I felt it washing over me. He prayed in tongues, which normally would have freaked me out, but it was the most peaceful experience I could have imagined.
Then he asked me my name, and i told him through my tears. He said "Joy you do not have to cry anymore. Although there will be many more tears the time now is to smile. To live up to your name and spread the joy the the Lord has given to you." He continued "Joy the Lord has seen your tears and heard your prayers, and you are healed." I asked him his name and he said Charles. I thanked him for being so faithful to the Spirit's prompting and for coming to speak to me. He said to Tim "Now your job is to be an encouragement to her. There will be times she gets discouraged and you need to encourage her to press on. Tickle her if you need to, but you two need to keep laughing together." I hugged that great big man and thanked him again. I stood and watched him walk out of the room in awe. I turned towards the only two people besides Tim and I who were left, Joanie and Tim C. and began to walk towards them. I wasn't even aware of it, and Joanie said "Well that's a change!" I WAS WALKING NORMAL! I ran towards the door to tell Charles, but he was already gone.
I walked out of there with Tim carrying my cane. The stars never looked clearer, the moon never shone brighter. I was walking! There is so much freedom in just taking a step! That was 3 days ago and I am still walking!
I went to physical therapy on Monday and my team of therapist was in awe! One of them had never seen me even take on single normal step and she was in tears. One asked "What should we write in her chart? " The other answered "Exactly what happened, God healed her. We cannot take any credit for this!"
I was able to go to my family Dr. yesterday. He said " I believe in God, and I go to church, but I get paid to be the scientist here. I have to be a bit of a pessimist. He watched me walked and was impressed. He checked my reflexes to find my right side is back to 100%. He of course wants me to keep my appointments with the specialist and let him know of any changes. But he said he is happy if I walk this good the rest of my life. I said "Me too!"
My mom says Charles just may have been my angel. I do not know for sure. But I do know I was changed in an instant. No matter what your circumstance, remember God sees your tears, and He hears your prayers. Keep praying! It all can change in a day.
The last six months...Part 1
Some of you know, many do not know of the struggles I have had over the last six months. It has been the greatest physical, spiritual and emotional battle of my life. I went to visit my sister on August the 1st of 2009 with my Mom & Dad, Sister Heidi & niece Lydia (3) and of course my children, Hope (4) and Corban (3). Tim was in CHOBC in Ft Jackson SC.
We got settled in our first night and went to bed. The awesome thing was I woke up in the middle of the night and could not go back to sleep. I had left off reading in Romans 14 and I continued to onto 15. Romans 15:13 leapt off the page. "May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of His Holy Spirit." Little did I know how much I needed that verse...
The next morning we got up and went to church. We were all exhausted from traveling with three toddlers and I felt really foggy. We dropped of the kiddos in the nursery and turned to walk into the sanctuary and all of the sudden I lost control of my legs. They no longer responded to what I was telling them to do. They were shaky, heavy, and my feet no longer knew where to land on flat ground. In an instant I felt as though I walked like I had MS. Everyone thought I was just stressed and tired and it would go away. It was the scariest feeling I have ever had. They took me to urgent care, who sent me home without any answers. When we returned home I saw my regular doctor who ran an MRI and then sent me to UW Madison for more tests. I spent two days in the hospital and they ran every test they could think of. More MRI's, X-rays, EEG's, inserted needles with microphones into my legs muscles, Evoked Potential, Spinal Tap...etc. My awesome friend Natalie dropped everything to stay with me through it all.
The only thing that was abnormal was my evoked potential test, which basically told them the signal from my brain to my legs was slowing down in my spinal column. Still no answers why... The symptoms have progressed from just my goofy walking to include crazy muscle twitching starting in my legs and then throughout my whole body. I also have severe surging nerve pain that also has progressed from my legs to my arms. I sometimes can walk in the morning normally, but as I become more tired my walking becomes even more labored. Some days I cannot walk from the moment I wake up. I cannot walk through a store such as Wal-mart without much difficulty. My mom does a lot of my shopping, which is pretty humbling, because she struggles with Fibromyalgia. I have had to start using a cane. I cried my eyes out the day I purchased it.
My neurologist from Madison did not give me much hope at my last visit on January 11th, 2010. He told me I was losing the reflexes on my right side. He said he has ran every test he can think of and we cannot do anything else until the disease presents itself. He said he knew it was in my spinal column, but short of cutting it out and examining my spinal column on the table; there is nothing else he can do. He said to call him if I started to lose vision in one eye, or if I became incontinent. But otherwise, he will see my in May.
My family doctor has been much more compassionate. He has seen the progression in the last 30 days and he does not like it. I have started stumbling down stairs. I have had tremors in my hands and shaking throughout my entire body. The fatigue has gotten worse and just in the last two weeks the shaking has gone into my face. If I wrinkle my nose the mask of my face just trembles. I have become heavy headed if that makes sense, and have to lay my head back and rest. I have had worse headaches and my doctor looked at me two weeks ago and said he is afraid of where I will be in a year. He just filed for handicap parking for this progressive neurological condition which he has indicated as permanent. He is fighting to get me to a facility where they can hopefully diagnose and treat this, to find a way to slow down or stop the progression of the disease.
The hardest thing has been the fear of the unknown. Without a diagnosis I am left to my own devices. I have spent countless hours on the internet researching symptoms. Every time I get a new symptom, the fear arises again. I have struggled with times of deep depression and overwhelming fear. As I daily give it back to God he keeps me going and provides peace amidst the chaos.
We got settled in our first night and went to bed. The awesome thing was I woke up in the middle of the night and could not go back to sleep. I had left off reading in Romans 14 and I continued to onto 15. Romans 15:13 leapt off the page. "May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of His Holy Spirit." Little did I know how much I needed that verse...
The next morning we got up and went to church. We were all exhausted from traveling with three toddlers and I felt really foggy. We dropped of the kiddos in the nursery and turned to walk into the sanctuary and all of the sudden I lost control of my legs. They no longer responded to what I was telling them to do. They were shaky, heavy, and my feet no longer knew where to land on flat ground. In an instant I felt as though I walked like I had MS. Everyone thought I was just stressed and tired and it would go away. It was the scariest feeling I have ever had. They took me to urgent care, who sent me home without any answers. When we returned home I saw my regular doctor who ran an MRI and then sent me to UW Madison for more tests. I spent two days in the hospital and they ran every test they could think of. More MRI's, X-rays, EEG's, inserted needles with microphones into my legs muscles, Evoked Potential, Spinal Tap...etc. My awesome friend Natalie dropped everything to stay with me through it all.
The only thing that was abnormal was my evoked potential test, which basically told them the signal from my brain to my legs was slowing down in my spinal column. Still no answers why... The symptoms have progressed from just my goofy walking to include crazy muscle twitching starting in my legs and then throughout my whole body. I also have severe surging nerve pain that also has progressed from my legs to my arms. I sometimes can walk in the morning normally, but as I become more tired my walking becomes even more labored. Some days I cannot walk from the moment I wake up. I cannot walk through a store such as Wal-mart without much difficulty. My mom does a lot of my shopping, which is pretty humbling, because she struggles with Fibromyalgia. I have had to start using a cane. I cried my eyes out the day I purchased it.
My neurologist from Madison did not give me much hope at my last visit on January 11th, 2010. He told me I was losing the reflexes on my right side. He said he has ran every test he can think of and we cannot do anything else until the disease presents itself. He said he knew it was in my spinal column, but short of cutting it out and examining my spinal column on the table; there is nothing else he can do. He said to call him if I started to lose vision in one eye, or if I became incontinent. But otherwise, he will see my in May.
My family doctor has been much more compassionate. He has seen the progression in the last 30 days and he does not like it. I have started stumbling down stairs. I have had tremors in my hands and shaking throughout my entire body. The fatigue has gotten worse and just in the last two weeks the shaking has gone into my face. If I wrinkle my nose the mask of my face just trembles. I have become heavy headed if that makes sense, and have to lay my head back and rest. I have had worse headaches and my doctor looked at me two weeks ago and said he is afraid of where I will be in a year. He just filed for handicap parking for this progressive neurological condition which he has indicated as permanent. He is fighting to get me to a facility where they can hopefully diagnose and treat this, to find a way to slow down or stop the progression of the disease.
The hardest thing has been the fear of the unknown. Without a diagnosis I am left to my own devices. I have spent countless hours on the internet researching symptoms. Every time I get a new symptom, the fear arises again. I have struggled with times of deep depression and overwhelming fear. As I daily give it back to God he keeps me going and provides peace amidst the chaos.
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