Gratitude...My day started with a phone call in the shuttle on our way to Mayo.  A dear friend who is bravely fighting a long and hard battle with cancer called to let me know she was praying for me.  Comment after comment on my FB shows the love of amazing, faithful people who are praying for me.  And that is only my FB savvy friends and family!  I know their are countless more prayer warriors taking the time to lift me and my diagnosis up in prayer.  I just want to say thank you! 

I think of all the stories behind each face as we ride the shuttle to and from the clinic.  A lot of people facing a lot of really hard things.  People of all ages and backgrounds all brought to this place seeking hope and healing.  Amazing people who can laugh and cry while so many things are uncertain.  I pray they know the hope and love of our Savior.  I know I have seen his face in many of the people we have met.  I feel so blessed to have my wonderful husband right here beside me and my friends and family  taking care of my kids and so many other things while we are away.  Thank you! 

Life is easier when we are grateful..."and in everything, with prayer and thanksgiving, make your requests known unto God.  And the peace that passes understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

I made it through the EMG today.  Electric shocks to test the health of the nerves, and tiny microphones inserted into the muscles to test the health of the muscles.  Not my favorite test.  Made it through by singing songs of thankfulness under my breath.  It still was no fun, but a little perspective goes a long way. 

Tomorrow will be the Evoked Potential, MRI & then meeting with the neurologist at 4.  I do not know what we will find out tomorrow if anything.  Not sure if the blood work will be back before my appointment.  We will need to return next Wednesday & Thursday for more tests & meeting with the neurogeneticist.  

Well it has definitely been a crazy 24 hours.  I did not complete my preliminary paperwork until we arrived last night.  I sent in all the forms they requested, but the medical history form needed to be brought to my 1st appointment.  I am a very compartmentalized person.  I can only process so much at a time, and if I cant fix it, I need to close the compartment.  Otherwise I try and spin solutions.  I am a fixer, it is in my nature... So needless to say, going over everything last night was kind of like ripping a scab off of an old wound.  My mind started spinning.  "What will tomorrow hold?" "What will the doctor think?", "Will he take me seriously?"  "What tests do I need to redo?"  There are so many what ifs!  I got my paperwork done and looked over my medical records.  The whole thing seems so unbelievable.  Why can I function perfectly normally at times, and other times my legs just do not do what I tell them too?  It seems crazy to me, how am I going to try and explain this to yet another doctor? 

I spent some time in prayer and reading my devotion.  God is so awesome to always, always give us just what we need, when we need it.  I have been reading Jesus Calling, a devotional book by Sarah Young.  Yesterdays devotional reminded me that God is taking care of me.  My prayer has been for Peace, Protection, and Provision for our time here at Mayo.  I know that God has it all under control, I just need those reminders.  The devotion went on to say "When your mind goes into neutral and your thoughts flow freely, you tend to feel anxious and alone.  Your focus becomes problem solving (Who me?!?).  To get your mind back into gear, just turn toward Me, bringing yourself and your problems into My presence."  Exodus 33:14 "The Lord replied, "My Presence will go with you and I will give you rest."

It still took a long time to unwind and fall asleep, but I fell asleep in God's presence, in His peace, whispering the name of Jesus. 

Today went well.  My doctor is very knowledgeable and took the time to really review my records and listen to my symptoms.  We are starting the full barrage of testing tomorrow.  I have an EMG (no fun :() scheduled for 1:50 - we are hoping to get in sooner on standby.  I am still waiting for an appointment with a neurogeneticist to see what all we need to do.  I have a couple other tests scheduled for Thursday and then more next week.  We are praying that maybe by going on standby we can speed up the process.  If not we should be able to come home Friday and then return next week.   Thank you for all of your continued prayers!  God is good, all the time!!!

Well, the long awaited appointment to Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN is approaching.  Amidst preparations for our Easter celebration, I am writing out packing lists and trying to think of everything the kids may need for their time at Nana & Poppy's.   Last week I was terribly anxious.  I had a hard time sleeping and was really dreading this appointment.  I am thankful that so many dear pray warriors are covering me in prayer.  I really feel more at peace.  I can't say I am looking forward to this at all, but I am more at ease.  I have been reading an amazing devotional called "Jesus Calling" and God has really been using it to speak right into my heart.  I am going to try and update my blog while we are away, as time and energy permit.  Thank you again for all your prayers and notes of encouragement! 

What I am trying to understand...

My whole life I have been raised with the adage of "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." I know this is not from the bible. It is not something that was memorized or posted on our wall. It is just what I have embraced to help me handle difficult situations. Wow! I must be really strong, or loved or great raw material with good potential if God wants to keep using me. Keep making me stronger. It was some sort of battered badge of honor. God trusts me with so much!


I went through a long period of waiting for the next hardship. Living in fear of what was coming next, because I lost so many things close to me I expected the worst was going to happen. What would it be? Surely my husband will get killed on one of those crazy bike rides. I love him too much, so surely it wont last. My kids are so precious, what if they get sick? What if they get hurt?


God has done a great work in me and I have realized, that I have to surrender my husband and my children to him. I can trust that God can do a far better job that I ever can by worrying about the unknown. I have learned that God is a loving heavenly father, who holds us, loves us and wants what is best for us.


But you hear people say, God's got a 2 x 4, and he is beating it (whatever it is...?) into me. If I can just learn what he wants to teach me, I can move forward and be done with this trial.


I think of the refiners fire, and how God does do wonderful things out of great tragedy. Then I get a distorted view of God and somehow subconsciously think he orchestrates difficulties in our lives. Satan uses that to attack in a couple of ways. I know for me the biggie has been, it's you. You are not good enough, if only your faith was stronger. If only you did not doubt. Even that question in the back of your mind was enough for God to withdraw His promise of healing. If only, if only......


The second way Satan uses this against us, me... is by distorting our view of God. God is not waiting to crush us like little bugs when we don't live up to some warped view of how perfect we should be. God did not start this sin and suffering in motion, man did. There is horrible suffering in the world. You can talk to 10 people and 9 will tell you of struggles that directly affect their lives that they don't understand. That they can't fix. Cancer, death of a loved one, children hurt by a marriage dissolving, loss of job, wayward sons and daughters. The list goes on and on. We live in a hurt and broken world. God is not the author of pain and suffering. He is not on a mission to hurt us to make us stronger.


Yes, God does gently shape us. I think of the potters wheel in Jeremiah 18:3-4 "So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him." You see we get marred. We get bent out of shape and God gently heals, shapes and makes us useful again. He doesn't do the beating. This sinful world does plenty of that.

In reading "The Shack" one of the questions presented to God was on pg 129 "I just can't imagine any final outcome that would justify all this." The response was "We are not justifying it. We are redeeming it."

I spend too much time thinking. Looking for answers. Trying to be good enough. The fact is, there may not be any answers. I certainly can never be good enough. And too much trying to figure things out only leaves holes in my relationship with my Lord and savior who died in my place so that I do not have to be good enough!

It is ok to be sad, confused and even angry. I think I needed permission to be all of those things. Thank you, my dear Chaplain friend! I spent way too much time trying to not be any of those things. This is hard, and I hate it, and I cannot understand it.

I've learned the greatest blessing is not in having the answers, not even in being miraculously healed. The greatest blessing is that I am never alone. Hebrews 13:15 "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you."

Psalm 23 - I love the NLT translation!
"The LORD is my shepherd; I have everything I need.
2 He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams.
3 He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.
4 Even when I walk through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.
5 You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You welcome me as a guest, anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings.
6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the LORD forever."

What speaks loudest to me is "I have everything I need." And "You are close beside me."

That is really the secret. Quit trying to figure it out. Don't allow difficulties to distort your view of our amazing heavenly father. He loves us, He desires what is best for us, and when life is more than we can bear, He holds us!

Celebrate each day...

Praising God for another beautiful day. It feels so awesome to feel the sun shining, even through the windows. I have been spending the last couple of weeks with sick kiddos. It is that time of year. We have been fortunate that they have stayed really pretty healthy all winter. Hope started with bronchitis and then Corban got it last week. His got worse though and now is on his second round of antibiotics and gained a double ear infection to boot. Poor little guy.

He was up crying Sunday night and couldn't tell us what the problem was, only that he needed Mommy. Finally Monday morning he said, "my ear's stuffed." Back to the doctor. It is amazing he can have such bad infections and yet no fever. I am enjoying the extra cuddle time and recouping myself as of course Tim and I got bronchitis too!

The rest has been good. God has a plan for everything. The praise is, since I have been home and resting what little walking I have done has been great. I have braved Wal-mart twice this week with no complications. I am enjoying freedom of movement and all the blessings God has given to us!

A dear friend and prayer warrior shared a scripture with me this week. It is found in Mark 8:22-25

"When they arrived at Bethsaida, some people brought a blind man to Jesus, and they begged him to touch and heal the man.
Jesus took the blind man by the hand and led him out of the village. Then, spitting on the man's eyes, he laid his hands on him and asked, "Can you see anything now?"
The man looked around. "Yes," he said, "I see people, but I can't see them very clearly. They look like trees walking around."
Then Jesus placed his hands over the man's eyes again. As the man stared intently, his sight was completely restored, and he could see everything clearly."

What an encouragement! She reminded me the first time Jesus touched his eyes and this blind man could see trees was no less of a miracle than the second time when he was completely restored.

He causes the lame to walk and the blind to see. I am walking! Yes, sometimes when I am really tired, my legs forget they are healed and I stumble. But I am light years better than where I was before January 31st!

God is healing me. I know it. He just may have to demonstrate his power and glory with my new doctors at Loyola.

I am also learning to live day by day. Another dear friend of mine is struggling with cancer. She has such an eternal perspective that is catchy! She praises God for each day she has. She reminds me to trust, even when I cannot see, even when things do not make sense. God has a perfect plan for each of us. Each day is a gift to be celebrated.

Life Abundantly - One step at a time

I feel like the fog is lifting. I have had a tough time facing the world beyond my covers. Don't get me wrong, nap time is a beautiful thing, but it cannot be a consuming thing.
I have kind of hid out this last week. Granted Tim was on a mission trip and Hope has had bronchitis (now Corban does too). But it allowed me time to hide out and to process. The time has come to choose to re-engage and get back to life.

I have withdrawn for practical reasons, and also out of fear of disappointing all who have witnessed this miracle. I know I do not have any control over this I realize, but somehow felt a responsibility to hold onto it. I want a rock solid faith. I want God to be glorified through this all. I know my message was from God. Am I in some way not holding up my end of the bargain?

I heard an awesome message this week on Psalm 40. You have to read it to get the extent of the impact.

Psalm 40
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm. I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.
4 Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.
5 Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.
6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but my ears you have pierced; burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.
7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come-- it is written about me in the scroll.
8 I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart."
9 I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, as you know, O LORD.
10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and salvation. I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly.
11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD; may your love and your truth always protect me.
12 For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me.
13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me; O LORD, come quickly to help me.
14 May all who seek to take my life be put to shame and confusion; may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace.
15 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!" be appalled at their own shame.
16 But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always say, "The LORD be exalted!"
17 Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay.

There are many things that speak to my heart in this passage. The message primarily was on how even when we keep our eyes focused on God our heart can still fail us in times of great difficulty. I am not sure who the speaker was, it was on Moody radio, but he talked about how we often put to high of expectations on ourselves and we are shocked when our faith is rocked. He didn't say that exactly, but it is pretty catchy huh?

Here was David whom God just rescued from the pit, who has a new song in his mouth, who is faithfully proclaiming what God has done and wham! Troubles outnumber and overwhelm him and his heart fails. Sound familiar...?

The message is to not stop there! I cannot stay beneath my covers and be overwhelmed. God has rescued me, he has been faithful before, he will be faithful again. The point is to keep crying out. " O Lord save me! Come quickly to my help.../yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; o my God. Do not delay."

I,like all of us, am a work in progress. I know God will use this and I know he is healing me day by day.

I choose to live life abundantly, one step at a time.

Trust

Well...I choose to trust. I know God has promised me healing. He spoke so clear and so loud into my life. My legs have been less than cooperative. Starting last Wednesday when I was really tired my legs started being goofy again. Once I rested they were fine and continued to be great throughout the day. Of course fear sets in. With fear, doubt. My husband in his infinite wisdom reminded me it isn't faith without some doubt. Otherwise why would you have to trust?

FAITH = Fantastic Adventure In Trusting Him!

God told me not to fear. I confessed my fears and sought solace with God. I thought if I don't have enough faith, would lose my healing? Is my faith strong enough to hold onto my healing? This is why I see a Godly counselor! She assured me God is not vengeful and He always desires what is best for me. She reminded me that it really has nothing to do with me. God chooses what He does for His purposes and for His glory.

I enjoyed walking so freely for almost 2 full weeks. I have not enjoyed such a luxury in over six months! Freedom in movement, a taste of heaven! They say God never gives you more than you can handle and I was at a breaking point. I needed that gift so desperately, and God gave it to me. He stopped the progression of the disease until I was able to get in and see a neurologist who really cares.

Sunday February 14th, all my symptoms came back full force and have not let up. By the grace of God I was out with my sisters at the time. They kept me laughing and encouraged me to press on. They both went with me to my doctors appointment on Monday providing the emotional support I needed. The doctor asked a lot of questions, and is curious about a genetic link. They were there to help fill in the blanks.

Tim is gone on a missions trip this week. How come he is always away when this crazy stuff happens? I guess God knows we need to process this all apart from each other before we can come back and process together.

One of my favorite worship songs is Blessed be the Name of the Lord. Just like Job, the song says He gives and takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.
I choose to worship. I choose to trust. The scripture God gave me the night before last was Psalm 31:15 " My future is in Your hands"