My whole life I have been raised with the adage of "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." I know this is not from the bible. It is not something that was memorized or posted on our wall. It is just what I have embraced to help me handle difficult situations. Wow! I must be really strong, or loved or great raw material with good potential if God wants to keep using me. Keep making me stronger. It was some sort of battered badge of honor. God trusts me with so much!
I went through a long period of waiting for the next hardship. Living in fear of what was coming next, because I lost so many things close to me I expected the worst was going to happen. What would it be? Surely my husband will get killed on one of those crazy bike rides. I love him too much, so surely it wont last. My kids are so precious, what if they get sick? What if they get hurt?
God has done a great work in me and I have realized, that I have to surrender my husband and my children to him. I can trust that God can do a far better job that I ever can by worrying about the unknown. I have learned that God is a loving heavenly father, who holds us, loves us and wants what is best for us.
But you hear people say, God's got a 2 x 4, and he is beating it (whatever it is...?) into me. If I can just learn what he wants to teach me, I can move forward and be done with this trial.
I think of the refiners fire, and how God does do wonderful things out of great tragedy. Then I get a distorted view of God and somehow subconsciously think he orchestrates difficulties in our lives. Satan uses that to attack in a couple of ways. I know for me the biggie has been, it's you. You are not good enough, if only your faith was stronger. If only you did not doubt. Even that question in the back of your mind was enough for God to withdraw His promise of healing. If only, if only......
The second way Satan uses this against us, me... is by distorting our view of God. God is not waiting to crush us like little bugs when we don't live up to some warped view of how perfect we should be. God did not start this sin and suffering in motion, man did. There is horrible suffering in the world. You can talk to 10 people and 9 will tell you of struggles that directly affect their lives that they don't understand. That they can't fix. Cancer, death of a loved one, children hurt by a marriage dissolving, loss of job, wayward sons and daughters. The list goes on and on. We live in a hurt and broken world. God is not the author of pain and suffering. He is not on a mission to hurt us to make us stronger.
Yes, God does gently shape us. I think of the potters wheel in Jeremiah 18:3-4 "So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him." You see we get marred. We get bent out of shape and God gently heals, shapes and makes us useful again. He doesn't do the beating. This sinful world does plenty of that.
In reading "The Shack" one of the questions presented to God was on pg 129 "I just can't imagine any final outcome that would justify all this." The response was "We are not justifying it. We are redeeming it."
I spend too much time thinking. Looking for answers. Trying to be good enough. The fact is, there may not be any answers. I certainly can never be good enough. And too much trying to figure things out only leaves holes in my relationship with my Lord and savior who died in my place so that I do not have to be good enough!
It is ok to be sad, confused and even angry. I think I needed permission to be all of those things. Thank you, my dear Chaplain friend! I spent way too much time trying to not be any of those things. This is hard, and I hate it, and I cannot understand it.
I've learned the greatest blessing is not in having the answers, not even in being miraculously healed. The greatest blessing is that I am never alone. Hebrews 13:15 "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you."
Psalm 23 - I love the NLT translation!
"The LORD is my shepherd; I have everything I need.
2 He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams.
3 He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.
4 Even when I walk through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.
5 You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You welcome me as a guest, anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings.
6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the LORD forever."
What speaks loudest to me is "I have everything I need." And "You are close beside me."
That is really the secret. Quit trying to figure it out. Don't allow difficulties to distort your view of our amazing heavenly father. He loves us, He desires what is best for us, and when life is more than we can bear, He holds us!
